Saturday, July 17, 2010

Scene from a Marriage: A Fairly Fair Fairy Story by Queen Kat Magendie

Once upon a time, in a land up high, there lived a Queen. This Queen’s King was on a trip to a mysteriously eerie swamp-land of his birth called South Louisiana (pronounced: "South Loose-ee-an-uh).

Well, whilst the King was away, the High-Hillbilly-born Queen danced and sang, for there were no King's cooking fingerprints upon the appliances, no dribbles upon the counters and cabinets, and to booty-boot, the ennnnnn-tire bedchamber was Queens and Queens alone, whereupon she could flop and toss about to without obstruction from the Wall of King taking up near the whole bedchamber. *Waltz waltz; waltz waltz*

Then (*Thunderous Music!*) came the morning when the Queen looked upon her larder in the Frigidaire, and noticed there were no more greens!, there was no more grapefruit juice!, and on the royal counter, there were no more apples!, and in the most high royal pantry, there were no more Special Granola! and Cocoa Pebbles (pronounced Ka-Koah Pebblees)! and Dark chocolate with Almonds! The Queen, in a panic, summoned her minions, "Minions, ho!," but realized she had no minions to ho, just two near-to-chubby lazy dogs who, by the way, were almost out of their royal pain dog food!

Oh, but the Queen fretted and moaned and gnashed her teeth. Where did these wondrous and nutritional items come from if not from minions?, she pouted. Surely they did not just appear out of the misty mountain air?, she poodled. The Queen then flopped her quite-shapely-for-her-age-if-she-says-so-herself-and-she-does rump upon her stately throne and thought and thought, and the thoughts became more thoughts, and those thoughts went off into tangents of thoughts until her brain squeezed and she had to blink and give her head a shake and pronounce, “Where were art I?”

She recollected her mind, and sighed, “Oh but yes, my larder is bar-ed. I have none of the precious foodstuffs that I daily enjoy.” Then with a start, a horrified, “Augh!” The Queen also realized there was soon to be no more Charmin (pronounced Shar-meen) to be had in the Land of Mountains for her humble Toiletateree

“Oh, Oh, whatever will I do?” The Queen sobb-ed. The Queen pondered and pontificated and gasped and ballyhooed. She paced the little log royal castle, wringing her royal hands. Then! (*Hopeful Rising Music!*) it came to her, how these things suddenly appeared to the royal homestead. The King! Yes! The King went to the village and pillaged the Ingles Supermarket and brought forth his bounty for the Queen’s enjoyment so the Queen never had to leave her mountaintop.

And when the King returned from his quest from the wet mooshy land of yore, she ran to him and rained upon his face kisses, or at least one kiss that reached almost to his lips, and said, “My King! My King! Get thee to Ingles quickly, for my cupboard (Pronounced "Cub-ard") is bare-ed!” And the King set off without complaint, off to the village to pummel and plunder for his Queen. And his Queen was ever so ever grateful, even if she sometimes doesn’t show the King thusly so.

The End.

(a version of this was in our YOG blog originally)


Walker said...

I think it would be more fun to just flash your boobs and ask the king for a pizza with extra napkins on the side?
You can work on dessert later

john bord said...

is this anything like the queen who said.... let them eat cake

or is there a cave in dem der hills

Teresa said...

Mine does the same thing and when the King is gone, the Queen is lonely AND has to do her own shopping. ;-D

I try to be grateful for him all the time.

JudithAlef said...

Ahh, thee be not alone Queen of the East for I Queen of the West also know how best to have a bounty laid upon my table by my Kingly spousal unit more able. Hark! I hear his steed coming to a stop and yes, the clink of wine bottles in recycled sacks. Heed the castle cats who dance at his feet for they smell their kind of meat, a savory Salmon from nearby mighty river the dutiful King doth deliver. To those who think Queens' spoilt, I raise my glass to say, "Kiss my ass."

Kathryn Magendie said...

Judith LAUGHING arse off~!

Walker- you are naughty! But guess what? he made me pizza tonight *haw*

John - where's my danged cake?

Teresa - lonely? oh, yeah, sure -teehee -yeah, it's not just the King's Larder he bringeth - lonely -yes yes...(snicker)

Debra said...

Oh this was just too funny! *laughing my head off at 1:21am!*

My hubby (I mean king) buys our groceries too!

Hope your hubby had a great trip to the swampland. There really is no place Loose-ee-an-uh!

Karen said... are so clever my dear Queen, you knew someone would come to help. I like your word usage and the proper pronunciations! Hie thee now and dine---does thy King cook?

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

My King always calls on his way home from work to ask what he should pick up. It is conducive to the Queen's attitude towards cooking.

Angie Ledbetter said...

Ah, were I nearerbyer, I'd be your minion! (And how come I didn't know yon King was coming to my home kingdom??! I thunk the prince, princess and young baby earl were flying home.)

PS My own "King" must be-eth in deep doodoo...for he does none of the shopping for his Queen. But alas, I guess when you own the coffers to the kingdom, you can go out to eat every meal, and leave the Queen to her leftovers and yogurt. heheeeeeeee booty boot indeed!!

Debbie said...

Oh, Walker's comment made me horse-laugh!

Walker said...

See the King knows his business but but but, what was for dessert?

Marisa Birns said...

Oh, I wish I were Queen of this realm. I guess I am the culinary(pronounced cull-eenary) wench since if I did not do the shopping, there would be cheese and chia seeds and nothing else.

Steph Jordan said...

I am such a fan!! :-))

Tamara Hart Heiner said...

what a cute and fun little story! made me laugh!