Tuesday, May 11, 2010

My adoptive mother: Before She Knew I Existed































My brother, whom some of you "met" when I hurried down to Arlington Texas when he was in the hospital, has been sending me bunches old family photos. Within those family photos are those of my adoptive mom. Several times over mornings I have been pouring over them, staring at them, becoming emotional at the photos of my young adoptive mother's image of Before Me.


Particularly the ones dated "1957" -- she was graduating high school then. She was in her prom dress. The year before that, she was in an FHA club. She was a young high school girl, about to graduate, about to attend her prom in a dress I lay sure bet that she made herself. I wonder if perhaps she may have been working on her prom dress at night after school the day I slipped from my biological mother's body, red and squalling. My adoptive mother Ruth did not know of me. She did not know of my father yet; she did not know of the other child who had already slipped from my bio-mom's body, or of the one who would come after me: two boys and a girl.


I stare at the photos of her young pretty face and I get emotional. And, a thought comes that I wish wouldn't: She was too young; we ruined her young hopeful life with our coming along. Yes, she wanted us, asked for us. But . . . still . . . look at her.


There are photos taken on the farm she lived after she’d have graduated high school – I know she left the farm, to work, to see what was out there. What was out there was my dad. Who had been married; left his wife and family in West Virginia. A man who had children.


The photo of Ruth sitting on the couch is in 1960. I would be 3 years old. Not yet come to live with her, but she would have met me by this time, a sad-eyed pigtailed chubby little thing. This is the year she'd be marrying my dad, if I have my dates right. I was already 3 years old before they married. Already this little human being. And look how young she is in that photo of her sitting there - already more mature than the high school photos, but still . . .


There is one of her as a small child. I stare at that one a lot. For one, she eerily reminds me of what my Sweetie character would look like as a small child. And, it is that thing where you see your mother as a child - long before you came along whether you were adopted or not.


I keep staring. Wondering. Wishing. Thinking. I wonder, too, how I would think of I were NOT adopted by Ruth. If Ruth had been my biological mother and I looked at these photos—what would be my feelings? Would there be the feelings of: did we mess up her life, us coming along as a sort of package deal with our dad? Or do children who are not adopted sometimes feel that way? That their being born to their mothers ruined her young hopeful life in some way? Ruined that young hopeful girl? (And I imagine Ruth, my adoptive mother, reading this and saying, “I am glad for what I did. . .” and I think, “but always mom? Always? – and then I think, maybe all mothers/daughters/children have these thoughts – adopted or not. But, I am so grateful she did take us in. Where would we have ended up, I surely do not know.). This is not a sad or angst-filled post, but more a curious wondering one. For there is plenty of room for gratitude. Plenty of thankfulness that my two brothers and I weren't scattered about like seeds and instead were able to stay together, and then have two more brothers come to us, too boot. Five children.


You tell me—you who are not adopted. What do you feel when you look at photos of your mother? What connections are made that I cannot claim, being adopted by my stepmother? Or, what connections and thoughts/feelings do I have that you have as well, even not being adoptive?


11 comments:

Vanessa Gebbie said...

Hi Kathryn

Thank you for sharing these. What beauutiful photos...

Anita said...

Hey Kathryn, thanks for sharing the photos and your thoughts. Now, I was never adopted, but when I look at photos of my mother from when she was younger, I often feel a little like she might have had a better life if we hadn't come along when we did. I was born in the year after my parents got married and from what I've heard, my mom really wasn't ready for me. She wasn't even quite 19. Then my middle sister came along about two years later. I often wondered if she would have liked to have gone to college or gotten a job or something like that. If you were to ask her though, she says she's glad for us.

Diane said...

I always felt that someone who adopts another's child(ren) have extra love and a special call on their life for that. I am thankful for your mom, that she imprinted you the way that you are today. :O)

Stacy Post said...

Kat, there is so much love in your post. Your mother is a lucky lady! I'm not adopted but I think we all wonder what our parents would've been like without the burden of children. My children have humbled me, which changed my personality tremendously. I wouldn't have the patience, the humor or the tenderness without raising my kids.

Stephanie Faris said...

Being a non-mother, I can say that I look at it this way more and more the older I get. Children are a BLESSING in every sense. Life is about the relationships we have with others and the lives we touch. Anything else -- career, money, "success" -- none of that matters in the long run. The legacy we all leave behind is in the children who come into our lives, including my stepdaughter. I know that even though I didn't give birth to her, I'm blessed to be able to shape the woman she'll become someday in even a small way.

Susan R. Mills said...

Well, my mother had my brother when she was fifteen. She married my dad and me and my younger brother. They divorced when I was eighteen. So, yeah, I have a lot of the same feelings you do when you look at the pics of your adoptive mom. I know for sure, though, that my mom wouldn't go back and changed anything. I doubt your adoptive mom would either.

Barry said...

One of life's great questions Kat. The fact that it has no answer (unless there are alternate Universes) just makes it the more compelling.

There is no doubt, though, that your adoptive mother was a beautiful woman.

Jessica Nelson said...

Beautiful pics.

I don't think a child ever ruins someone's life. They might make it harder in some ways, but in other ways they bring such wonderful joys. :-) I think you and your siblings added so much to her life!
I know how you feel though, and I'm not adopted. I see pics of my mom and I know she would never trade us for anything in the world, and I wasn't raised being reminded of this, but when I see pics of her, in her yearbook esp., she's popular and smart. In all sorts of clubs and activities. She would've gone places but she got pregnant with me her senior year. Married my dad but a few years later they had to separate and he was gone...
*grin* God has a way of taking care of us in ways we least expect. Mom didn't know I was coming along, but I did and I changed her life. It was good though, I think. I think she'd say now that having to take care of me and my sisters on her own was so, so hard, and yet so worth it. The experiences molded her and made her a stronger person. I know I sure admire her!

Wow, this turned into a really long autobiography. LOL I'll stop now. Great pics! Thanks for sharing. :-)

Anonymous said...

Kathryn,you destroyed no one's life--quite to the contrary. If I had a choice today to go back and relive my life my choices would be the same. There is no way I would walk away from three children I felt drawn to and responsible for. I was the lucky one. I love you all and nothing can change that. I had the freedom of choice and was never forced or coersed into adopting you. This was God's plan for all of us and He doesn't make mistakes.

I have "burned images" of each of you the first time I met you and I knew that God had a purpose and that I would find a way.

I never thought five children were too many -- which one or ones would I send back???? Maybe it is harder for the adoptee than the adoptor but I never had a problem with that. Once you were adopted no one could ever take you from me!
My mother had eight children and I never heard her complain. We all were happy.

Kat, I'm proud of you and proud to call you my daughter and I love you very much. I am also proud of GMR and love him for making you the daughter I always knew you were and giving you the confidence to carry our your dreams.

May God continue to look over you when I cannot.

Love you, Mom

Kathryn Magendie said...

Mom! Everyone - say hello to my mother -- and I have to tell you all that she is that - my mom - I don't usually think of her in terms of "adoptive mom"- just mom *smiling*

She is special.

Deb Shucka said...

What you've written here is universal I think - all these questions. What your mom wrote is simply love and I'm pretty sure you can rest in that and trust what she says.